dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize