Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
