____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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