my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
