Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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