do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
