I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
