I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
