So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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