i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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