I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
