so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
