I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
