JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
