Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish you could order shots online.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
