i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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