Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
