Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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