I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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