My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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