i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
