Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
