Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
