over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
