i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize