so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
