An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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