We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
