if you like me you must not know who I am
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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