genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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