im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize