I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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