Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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