I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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