Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
