I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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