I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
