He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
