her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
