i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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