So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
