I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
