new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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