Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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