evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
