You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize