oh god the rape fog is back!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
