Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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