EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
