it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
