I just made out with a guy for $7.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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