you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize