So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize