My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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