i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
