Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
