My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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