You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
