well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
