It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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