I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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